Fuck Neymar

That Spain is the only real civilization left in Europe, but just barely

But I genuinely think my life is nearly over I have no career prospects, I have no chance of ever being in a relationship, I feel like my friends don’t tolerate me or are beginning to turn away from me, I offer nothing to anybody, I’m self-absorbed and cold, the world is generally becoming more hostile and less viable for human life, and I feel like I’ve done everything wrong in my life to be where I am. Not to mention I’ve had this empty feeling in my chest for a good week now, like this feeling of dread. Yet I don’t feel any urgency to fix anything because all of it feels so meaningless, like it’s too much to fix and it won’t work out in the end because nothing has ever worked out for me. All the while I can’t get the idea out of my mind that I genuinely should end it all because it’s making less and less sense that someone like me should want to live another year or two or whatever length. I don’t feel right. I never had, but it’s getting worse. I don’t have anybody and I don’t have the means to even come to my own defense, not even for a little bit anymore. Everything I’ve done in my life has always been in deference to others, because at least I can be useful and make things easy for others right? But now I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore or why I’m doing anything. I don’t know.

That my family's lack of full love or concern for me growing up, either that or the generally hostile and negative environment I grew up in, may have contributed to my general acceptance that others may not love or like me as much as they say they do and that any expression of it is either conditional, untenable, or not true to begin with But let's repress that emotion for now :)

Of people who I have not spoken to or seen in almost a decade basically telling me I'm rude and conceited Is this a sign?

I must ask: why?

That I usually ever get compliments in the context of someone wanting to either exploit or take advantage of me in some capacity, you can understand why I get very apprehensive over compliments

That I’m supposed to continue living life, having aspirations, and planning for the future given the everything that’s been happening politically, environmentally, and economically? And I’m not even supposed to contemplate killing myself during this? Fuck you

Is a surprisingly evil city yet no one really talks about it

In the bathroom for the better part of at least an hour now through some combination of shitting, scrolling on his phone, showering, then going back to shitting and scrolling on his phone I just want to brush my teeth

Do I say that my therapist has covertly dropped me? Last appointment was in January, was told before the next appointment a few weeks later that he had to reschedule due to an injury, then was told a few days later that he wouldn’t be able to see anyone until April. However it’s now June and I’ve received no updates or callbacks since then

Is not a real place. It barely qualifies as a civilization. It’s a bunch of Silicon Valley tech companies and real estate firms masquerading as a society It is only the East Coast that has proven itself to be a society in its own right

That the contenders for best PM over the past two decades are Gordon Brown and Theresa May

You have to know that I have five (5) different hairbrushes, yet I regularly use one or three of them, and yet not a single one of them works

Get insanely disgusted at the idea that someone would be romantically or sexually would be interested in them? Like I’m at a point where just the mental image of me being with someone else and them having to look and deal with me in such an intimate manner just makes me feel bad for them. They could be literally with someone else better and they basically settled on me for nebulous reasons.

If I'm genuinely a depressed and anxious person or if I'm just an asshole who gets what they deserve I've spent the better part of the past two decades of my life trying to figure that out and honestly I still don't have an answer to that dilemma

I can’t wait to shower but end up sweating the whole time afterwards because of the humidity so I end up feeling more dirty than I did before I started showering

When I realized that literally every friend I've thought I've had was actually just lying about it and secretly just bullying me, it's put a lot of my life in a different perspective Not a good perspective but a different one nonetheless

Is when the ibuprofen kicks in when you have a headache