LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO like i honestly want to be on the show. Like obviously yes my corporate career I’ve put years into would permanently evaporate immediately and my family would disown me the second i popped up doing that fuck ass intro dance in the premiere LMAOOOOOOOOOOO but honestly hanging in the villa seems so fun ughh…. I would love to be a bombshell preferably so i can walk in and just be like hey. Any questions ? LMAOOOO ugh im giddy just thinking about it … producers im ready to risk it all you have my number!!!! LMAOOO the ironic part is i haven’t seen a single episode this all from my tiktok feed

like LMAOOOOOOOOO we get it u had to be so different and literally make it impossible to get to you… like omfg we see you we notice you is that what you want???!!! Like god forbid I’m from the U.S. or want to fly there from Europe let me take half my PTO for the fucking YEAR just to cover my time on the FLIGHT and prob get eaten alive by the wildlife shortly after taking 15 connecting flights………like making me fly 18 hours to get to another country that speaks the same language as me LMAOOOOOOOOO like yall just pack it up. but then u wanna drive on the left side of the road too???? oh now im pissed………… honestly let’s just do a Pangea re-run because there’s no reason on god’s green earth Australia needs to be doing all that …

From me 🥰💝

a book by its cover so bad… LMAOOOOOOOOO like i really like horror/thriller/crime novels and if the cover looks a specific way i will NOT touch it LMAOOOOOO i can’t even explain what it is exactly… but sometimes I see these people on TikTok hold up a book and im like baby i don’t care if the words of god himself are between those covers i am NOT hungry LMAOOOOOO. It always has the title super big and some stock image behind it that just gives CHEAP like… MASS MARKET PAPERBACK like…………if I wrote a whole fucking NOVEL i would never in my life allow them to put that shit in Barnes & Noble with a goddamn picture from Getty images overlaid behind my name LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO like plz… if you want an example of what im talking about google the cover for local woman missing by mary kubica LMAOOOOOO like its giving target book section.

I have “skip the gym” noise LMAOOOOOOOO like i know my weight lifting schedule and Ive had the same one for past like 4 years but still every single time its a gym day the noise is overwhelming … LMAOOOOOO like the self-negotiation just hits like a truck im like “you deserve a rest day you’ve been so good just relax :))))))))” and it takes everything in me to be like NO STFU… but usually I see a TikTok of some jacked guy and that whips me into shape to do my bicep curls and tricep extensions like the good lord intended …………i hope they make GLP-1 equivalent for this issue it would truly change me ❤️

So I love shopping at Aldi for groceries like im a true regular … HOWEVER the nonsense they do with the insert a quarter to get a cart is ANNOYING not because i don’t have a quarter to use but because when I go to return the cart afterward there’s inevitably a person there looking thru their change for a quarter and then I give them my cart and they give me their quarter so we can skip the step of unlocking the cart and i truly hate that 10 seconds of awkward interaction LMAOOOOOOOOO like whenever I go to return the cart I feel like a true celebrity waiting for someone to offer me a quarter for my cart like guys single file please im here all night!!!!! LMAOOOOOOO

online have become so weird LMAOOOOOOO every time anyone mentions anything about getting a drink or going to a bar/club there’s all these neckbeards in the TikTok comments like “SORRY IM NOT A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC. AND SORRY I DONT NEED TO DOWN 400 FUCKING SHOTS OF LIQUOR EVERY DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE. SORRY I DONT LITERALLY FUCKING POISON MYSELF FOR FUN AND GET MY FUCKING STOMACH PUMPED IN THE HOSPITAL EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND.” like yall …………………LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it’s really not that serious why are we raising a generation of cops LMAOOOOOO go drink the fucking mojito youll be better for it . Clearly you could use one good lord!

LMAOOOO when I was in rio de janeiro in 2022 I was staying at this hostel on ipanema beach and talking to this girl who lived there and was trying to practice her english....and she was like "youre from the US???? I love toyotathon!!" and i was like LMAOOOOOO WHAT?? I thought she was saying "I love Jonathan" and i was like girl how would I know jonathan. and she was like "NO i mean TOYOTA-THON. THE CAR SALE." and I was like LMAOOOOOOOOOO what?!? and she was like "yes, toyotathon!!! I'm a memer!!!" LMAOOOOOO like honestly i nearly went my whole entire life without knowing toyotathon had international recognition or that memes about it existed............... i kept that in mind watching brazil in the world cup yesterday !!! x traveling really teaches u so much <3

Tookie de la Créme…in…this…light✨

Whenever I go out to the bars downtown w my friends I always make sure to get a sandwich from the Italian sub store that’s open until 2 AM before I get my uber as a present to myself for going out and being social. WELL i just ate my sandwich at my desk and now it’s gone and im truly devastated. Like actually…. Im struggling and the sandwich was $14 which FINE it’s worth but I wish I could justify ubering back and getting another sub ugh …………. I lifted heavy today so we will blame my intense workout for this episode of gluttony .

Im at my apartment gym currently and this guy I see here sometimes came up to me and was like “hey did you go to [insert university he went to ???!] and I was like no I’m from Pennsylvania axe shully sorry !!! And then he was on the machine next to me and I was like “I guess I have a doppelgänger out there !!” And he was like “HE’S A VERY HANDSOME MAN!!” but then he acted shy and embarrassed I think because that’s the line the person in my position usually says and he fumbled and said it by accident…. Like typically I would say “he sounds like a handsome guy!!” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO but anyway it’s still just the two of us in this small enclosed workout area……… enemies to lovers arc incoming?????

I used to live with this guy who was EXTREMELY religious like to the point where it was teetering into manic episode territory… and one night he asked me to read the Bible with him (he bought me a Bible for my birthday… i know) and i politely declined but I started talking about passages I remembered from childhood including the famous water to wine one!!!! When Jesus really did his big one… and I was like well does the bible say what kind of wine he turned the water into?? LMAOOOOOOOO like I am something of a wine snob so I was naturally curious… so I ask my friend if it was a nice sangria… a moscato perhaps or even a white Zinfandel LMAOOOOO and he looks at me stone cold face and he’s like NO. IT DOES NOT SAY. Like okay sorry!!!! It’s a valid question tho and whenever I hear religious people talk about the Bible im always like hmmmmmm maybe it was a Chardonnay?

from the grocery store I always buy two rolls because I know I need to eat the first roll RIGHT when I get home like omg I can’t help myself… and I know that in the hours that follow I’ll forget about the existence of the second roll and once I remember it’s waiting for me in the fridge I’ll be like OMGGGGGGG LMAOOOOOOOO and I’ll fall to my knees screaming crying throwing up and sobbing thanking myself from three hours prior for being so forward thinking ….

from the internet is literally crack LMAOOOOOOOO i have dishwasher pods showing up to my apartment later and im deadass kicking my feet LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

get the “outfit schedule” for these week long bachelorette parties they’re fucking pissed LMAOOOOOOOOOOO i swear if someone texted me that I need to buy a bright blue workout fit so we can all look like fourth graders on a field trip while hiking to the Hollywood sign or that i need to dress like a granny or someone’s future husband or the colors of the rainbow or wear all shades of bright orange for two days straight id be OVER IT LMAOOOOOOOOOOO. Like every time i see one of these coordinated tiktoks where they show off these ridiculously coordinated outfits I want to send a search and rescue team to these girls bc I know they’re so fucking done LMAOOOOOOOO this is why im glad the bachelor party im going to next month is a weekend in a cabin where we’re going to a shooting range and drinking blue moon I couldn’t be bothered w all this shit LMAOOOOOOO

Anyone who chooses to enter a crammed apartment gym that’s overcrowded with people just trying to get their workout in and use THREE MACHINES AT ONCE and set up a fucking tripod to record themselves on their phone doing squats or lunges or sits on the leg press for 45 mins on their phone while their boyfriend actually works out beside them will get IMMEDIATELY sent to the gulag AND three generations of your family………………no because genuinely what on god’s green earth would possesses you to say “you know what babe… let’s enter the crammed apartment gym at peak hours to rub up on each other next to the squat rack but not use it!” LMAOOOOOOOOOOO ure done. Apartments gyms should have etiquette classes you need to pass to be able to enter LMAOOOOOOO i can’t i can’t i CANNOT

LMAOOOOOOO the voices in my head insist I drive to the 7/11 by my apartment nightly to get an XL big gulp Diet Coke and truly I try to fight them but they always win ………… im in the parking lot right now to tell the honest truth LMAOOOOOO I know god and his seven deadly sins are looking down at me in DISGUST………..as they should.