Im at my apartment gym currently and this guy I see here sometimes came up to me and was like “hey did you go to [insert university he went to ???!] and I was like no I’m from Pennsylvania axe shully sorry !!! And then he was on the machine next to me and I was like “I guess I have a doppelgänger out there !!” And he was like “HE’S A VERY HANDSOME MAN!!” but then he acted shy and embarrassed I think because that’s the line the person in my position usually says and he fumbled and said it by accident…. Like typically I would say “he sounds like a handsome guy!!” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO but anyway it’s still just the two of us in this small enclosed workout area……… enemies to lovers arc incoming?????

I used to live with this guy who was EXTREMELY religious like to the point where it was teetering into manic episode territory… and one night he asked me to read the Bible with him (he bought me a Bible for my birthday… i know) and i politely declined but I started talking about passages I remembered from childhood including the famous water to wine one!!!! When Jesus really did his big one… and I was like well does the bible say what kind of wine he turned the water into?? LMAOOOOOOOO like I am something of a wine snob so I was naturally curious… so I ask my friend if it was a nice sangria… a moscato perhaps or even a white Zinfandel LMAOOOOO and he looks at me stone cold face and he’s like NO. IT DOES NOT SAY. Like okay sorry!!!! It’s a valid question tho and whenever I hear religious people talk about the Bible im always like hmmmmmm maybe it was a Chardonnay?

from the grocery store I always buy two rolls because I know I need to eat the first roll RIGHT when I get home like omg I can’t help myself… and I know that in the hours that follow I’ll forget about the existence of the second roll and once I remember it’s waiting for me in the fridge I’ll be like OMGGGGGGG LMAOOOOOOOO and I’ll fall to my knees screaming crying throwing up and sobbing thanking myself from three hours prior for being so forward thinking ….

from the internet is literally crack LMAOOOOOOOO i have dishwasher pods showing up to my apartment later and im deadass kicking my feet LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

get the “outfit schedule” for these week long bachelorette parties they’re fucking pissed LMAOOOOOOOOOOO i swear if someone texted me that I need to buy a bright blue workout fit so we can all look like fourth graders on a field trip while hiking to the Hollywood sign or that i need to dress like a granny or someone’s future husband or the colors of the rainbow or wear all shades of bright orange for two days straight id be OVER IT LMAOOOOOOOOOOO. Like every time i see one of these coordinated tiktoks where they show off these ridiculously coordinated outfits I want to send a search and rescue team to these girls bc I know they’re so fucking done LMAOOOOOOOO this is why im glad the bachelor party im going to next month is a weekend in a cabin where we’re going to a shooting range and drinking blue moon I couldn’t be bothered w all this shit LMAOOOOOOO

Anyone who chooses to enter a crammed apartment gym that’s overcrowded with people just trying to get their workout in and use THREE MACHINES AT ONCE and set up a fucking tripod to record themselves on their phone doing squats or lunges or sits on the leg press for 45 mins on their phone while their boyfriend actually works out beside them will get IMMEDIATELY sent to the gulag AND three generations of your family………………no because genuinely what on god’s green earth would possesses you to say “you know what babe… let’s enter the crammed apartment gym at peak hours to rub up on each other next to the squat rack but not use it!” LMAOOOOOOOOOOO ure done. Apartments gyms should have etiquette classes you need to pass to be able to enter LMAOOOOOOO i can’t i can’t i CANNOT

LMAOOOOOOO the voices in my head insist I drive to the 7/11 by my apartment nightly to get an XL big gulp Diet Coke and truly I try to fight them but they always win ………… im in the parking lot right now to tell the honest truth LMAOOOOOO I know god and his seven deadly sins are looking down at me in DISGUST………..as they should.

by accident in line for the bathroom at the airport a few months ago LMAOOOOO. He was actually quite kind I was wearing a hoodie from the college I went to and he was like “oh did you go to school there!” And I was like “yes………but more importantly are you Tucker Carlson?” and he was like “lol yeah!!” and I was like LMAOOOOO Ure joe king my life is such a meme………… and I asked for a selfie because I wanted to post it on tiktok as a joke with the background sound where he goes “woke M&Ms have returned… the green M&M got her boots back and is now a lesbian,,, maybe?” LMAOOOOO it would have gone viral but when I was in my uber I was like well I better not because then I can never go on love island LMAOOOOOOOOOOO so every time I scroll thru my camera roll on a flight out of boredom I always come across the photo of me and Tucker Carlson ………….. I can’t bring myself to delete it LMAOOOOOOO not me getting served Fox News realness in the airport restroom …

Had a baby the other day and the name she chose to give it is so awful I feel compelled to call CPS………………but her husband proposed to her at someone’s else’s wedding so I suppose we knew good judgement was not in the cards !!!!

LMAOOOOO and people will tell me I’m jealous that my city isn’t putting up NBA Ws but truthfully I’m OVER ITTT and what’s even worse is seeing all these people I know with the smallest most minuscule connection to New York City trying to enact this stolen valor and join in on the celebration LMAOOOOOOOO it’s giving bandwagon it’s giving fake fan and as I said it’s giving stolen valor !!!!!!!!! like calm down Amanda you’ve lived in southern Illinois for the past 22 years and no your grandfather being from the Bronx doesn’t count LMAOOOOOOOOOO

but internet people are getting sort of weird about it LMAOOOOOO like I saw it in theaters and very much enjoyed it but it’s getting into weirdly overrated territory dare I say people are OBSESSED LMAOOOO……………like yes the movie was good but it was certainly not a genre-defining film or anything of the sort … we can appreciate it without the unnecessary and over the top glaze … I feel like im missing the memo on why people are treating it as if it’s so groundbreaking !!!!!!!

Tell me why I ordered a book on MAY 16TH of the year of our lord 2026 and it tells me it will take four weeks to arrive… okay whatever!! I’m reading the stand by Stephen King which is like 1100 pages so I can occupy myself until then fine fine FINE. anyway today was supposed to be the big day and I was excited because getting a book in the mail is one of life’s simplest pleasures and I was all giddy and everything!!! WELL NO. I check my Amazon app and it now says JULY 8 - JULY 14?!?!? 60 DAYS FROM THE PURCHASE DATE PRACTICALLY????! Johannes gutenberg did NOT invent the printing press for it to take TWO MONTHS to receive a book from Amazon which BEGAN AS A BOOK STORE MIND YOU!!!!!!!! like good god above are they writing my copy by hand over there!!! What is going on!!!!!

I honestly get so annoyed when I see tiktoks or other social media posts about people working from home doing nothing all day LMAOOOOOOO like please send me your company’s LinkedIn job postings I will LITERALLY upload my resume and then manually input it into the workday web page and even craft an AI generated cover letter just for the chance to interview LMAOOOOOOOOO im not kidding btw………i work from home and I am literally SWEATING sometimes like at the end of the day I feel physically in pain and fully ill as if I’ve just done a full body workout…… yesterday I could not even find time to eat a PROTEIN BAR between 6.5 hours of meetings that I’m working DURING because I have so many drafts to finish by the end of the day LMAOOOOOO im laughing but it’s not funny yall….. WHERE are these jobs where you don’t have people calling u begging u for things at all hours do tell……………im away from my work laptop until Sunday night and im honestly scared to even have this much time away LMAOOO

but the finna is gag sis im dead as a chile

Is to see Internet people finally understand when to use the word “less” vs when to use the word “fewer” LMAOOOOOOOOOO literally less vs. fewer has its foot on yalls NECKS like GET UPPPPPPPPPP ref do something i can’t ….

In Uruguay and honestly the biggest indicator that my frontal lobe has finished developing since then is when I watch the video LMAOOOOOOO like genuinely palms sweating heart pounding what the FUCK was I thinking LMAOOOOOOOOO but when I was 22 I was like oh ya whatev.

and felt something tingling my back and I look in the mirror and there’s a SPIDER CRAWLING ON MY SHOULDER BLADE literally hyperventilating throwing up screaming and crying. Stepping away for a few hours to focus on my healing journey I hope yall understand