#DragHausS2 NINE QUEENS. NINE PARODIES. ONE VERY BROKEN DOLL. HELLOOOOO, MY BEAUTIFUL SINNERS, FASHION FELONS, AND EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED DRAG QUEENS! It’s your favorite glamorous gossip, professional shade distributor, and apparently the latest victim of a sewing-machine malfunction, ONYX ROYALE! Now, before we get into these nine heifers, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. “Onyx, baby, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!” WELL, LET ME TELL YOU! Since The CEO decided to make this week’s Drag Haus challenge all about parodying previous runway looks, I thought it was only fair that I drag MY OWN ASS before I start dragging anybody else’s! So tonight, I’ve decided to revisit one of my most dramatic looks from my own Drag Haus journey: that magnificent black-and-cream voodoo-doll couture creation. Y’all remember the one! The impossibly enormous hair, the delicate stitching, the intricate details, the stunning half-and-half silhouette. I looked like an expensive haunted porcelain doll that had escaped from a billionaire’s private collection. WELL, NOT ANYMORE! Because apparently somebody found that doll in the attic, dropped it down three flights of stairs, ran it through a washing machine, and let a drunk seamstress put it back together! LOOK AT ME! My once-beautiful black-and-blonde hairstyle has become a tangled, lopsided mountain of hair, buttons, sewing needles, and enough red thread to embroider the entire Declaration of Independence! I’ve got one boob pointing toward heaven, the other applying for disability, stuffing falling out of my hips, and a giant sewing needle sticking out of my shoulder like somebody tried to assassinate me at Hobby Lobby! AND THESE SHOES?! BABY, I LOOK LIKE I WAS ASSEMBLED BY A KINDERGARTEN CLASS DURING A FIRE DRILL! But you know what? THAT’S THE POINT! Because tonight isn’t about recreating beautiful fashion. It’s about taking something recognizable and making it absolutely RIDICULOUS. And unlike some of these queens, I have enough self-awareness to admit when my own fashion deserves a good dragging! Now, The CEO is still the host of Drag Haus. I’m just the fabulous bitch sitting on a purple velvet couch with a cocktail, a cue card, and seventeen sewing needles lodged in my wig. Tonight’s challenge is worth 80% parody runway and 20% written roast. I’ve watched these queens all season. I’ve praised their triumphs, questioned their choices, and collected enough receipts to start my own accounting firm. So believe me when I tell you, I know exactly which looks they’re making fun of. LET THE PUBLIC HUMILIATION BEGIN! ⸻ 🌿 1. ALPHA KILLER — akaliuchis Parodying Jordie’s Smoking Hot runway ALPHA! BITCH, WHY DOES JORDIE LOOK LIKE SHE’S BEEN SELLING WEED OUTSIDE THE DRAG HAUS STUDIO?! Y’all remember Jordie’s smoking-hot cigarette runway. The towering cigarette headpiece, the glamorous wrapped bodice, and that enormous ashtray full of cigarette butts around her waist. Well, Alpha said, “That’s cute, but what if Jordie stopped smoking cigarettes and started supplying the entire neighborhood?” Because now we’ve got an enormous marijuana joint on her head, cannabis leaves covering practically every available surface, buds bursting out of the garment, and enough smoke to get everybody backstage a contact high! BABY, YOU LOOK LIKE THE GRAND OPENING OF A DISPENSARY! What makes this work is that Alpha has preserved the recognizable proportions of Jordie’s original look. The towering cylindrical headpiece is still there, the dramatic body wrapping remains, and the smoking concept has simply been pushed into complete absurdity. That’s a proper parody. Now, I will say, Alpha, you’ve made this a little too polished in places. I almost feel like I’m looking at a legitimate marijuana-themed fashion campaign instead of a deliberate fashion disaster. But the joke is clear, and I appreciate that. Your written roast was more inconsistent. Opening by greeting the gorgeous audience and excluding LeQunt was a cute bit of shade, but your strongest joke was definitely about Dimilux. Saying that every time she walks the runway you feel safe from elimination? THAT’S THE KIND OF SHADE I WANT! The comments about Merlly and Faye had potential, but not every punchline landed. And between the Aeryn reference and your closing remark to Lewis, you wandered beyond the four intended targets. Alpha, you’ve got attitude, but sometimes you need to edit the comedy as aggressively as you edit those wigs. ONYX’S SCORE: 9.1/10 ⸻ 🍜 2. DIMILUX — Dimitra Parodying Kortree York’s Emerald Empress DIMILUX! OH, YOU SHADY GREEK BITCH! YOU HAVE TURNED KORTREE’S EMERALD EMPRESS INTO A CHINESE TAKEOUT COMBO! I REMEMBER THAT EMERALD LOOK! Kortree came down the runway in those enormous green feathers with that dramatic headpiece, looking like some kind of expensive woodland deity. And Dimilux took one look at her and apparently decided she resembled the garnish on a plate of noodles! THE FEATHERS! THE NOODLES! THE TAKEOUT BOX! AND THOSE LEGS?! BABY, THOSE ARE NOT LEGS! THOSE ARE CHOPSTICKS! I’ve been looking at Kortree’s impossibly long proportions all season, and now somebody has finally found a practical use for them! What I love is how recognizable the original remains. The green feather arrangement and elaborate silhouette are immediately familiar, but the exaggerated food references make the whole thing ridiculous. It’s personal. It’s specific. And most importantly, it’s funny. Now, your roast! Your joke about Lewis taking forever to release episodes was an excellent opener. Comparing those delays to a SHEIN wig delivery was topical and relatable. The Dragon Ball Z joke about Alpha’s hair was another strong read, and I almost spit my drink out when you said Mummy’s breasts arrive on the runway five minutes before she does. Your Michael Jackson joke about Orgasmique wasn’t quite as sharp, but at least you connected it to a memorable competition moment. Four targets, clear punchlines, and a successful parody. Dimi, you might have finally found your true calling: turning your sisters into dinner specials! ONYX’S SCORE: 9.5/10 ⸻ 🍗 3. FAYE CHANCEY ROE — GuiltyAsSin Parodying LeQunt’s Golden Ruler FAYE! FAYEEEE! YOU TURNED LEQUNT’S GOLDEN WINGS INTO BUFFALO WINGS?! BITCH, GET OUT OF MY STUDIO! I remember LeQunt’s magnificent Golden Ruler runway. That sculpted metallic gown with those enormous architectural wings had her looking like a divine creature sent from heaven to judge everybody else’s fashion. Well, apparently Faye looked at those wings and said, “Baby, all I see is a twelve-piece combo with extra ranch!” AND NOW WE’RE HERE! Enormous orange chicken wings, dripping sauce, a completely ridiculous poultry-covered silhouette, and an entire Wings Off magazine? BABY, SOMEBODY CALL THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT! What makes this parody particularly effective is that you’ve taken the most memorable element of LeQunt’s look and made the interpretation painfully literal. Golden wings have become buffalo wings. Simple. Recognizable. Hilarious. My only concern is that you’ve actually made the silhouette quite beautiful. The craftsmanship is polished, and at times I find myself admiring the gown instead of laughing at it. But the absurdity of the chicken-wing fantasy saves the comedy. Now, your roast. Faye, darling, your opening joke about Lewis being gay went through the Power Rangers, the Spice Girls, One Direction, and the entire alphabet before finally arriving at the punchline. BABY, I WAS READY TO RETIRE! Your Merlly group-chat joke was far more effective because it was specific and concise. But your best material was absolutely the observation about Dimilux’s pink hair. Pointing out that she finally won when she changed her signature hairstyle, then suggesting her horse wore the pink better? NOW THAT WAS A READ! And your Dragon Ball Z reference for Alpha was another familiar, effective jab. Faye, you have funny ideas. You just need to stop giving every punchline a three-bedroom house and a two-car garage! ONYX’S SCORE: 9.4/10 ⸻ 🍌 4. JORDIE — Jordie Parodying Orgasmique’s Safe Sex runway JORDIE! OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE TURNED ORGASMIQUE INTO A GIANT BANANA WEARING A CONDOM! AND I AM DECEASED! Y’all remember Orgasmique’s original Safe Sex runway. That gorgeous golden-yellow gown, the pink spherical embellishments, the elaborate condom-shaped headpiece, and the little matching SAFE SEX handbag. It was glamorous. It was conceptual. It was cheeky. And Jordie apparently decided it wasn’t CHEEKY ENOUGH! Because now Orgasmique is just a giant rhinestoned banana with a massive pink condom on top! THE AUDACITY! And I love that Jordie even kept the little SAFE SEX handbag. That’s the kind of detail that makes a parody recognizable. The joke is wonderfully stupid, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. There’s absolutely no sophistication left. You’ve stripped the original outfit down to its most ridiculous implication and forced us all to look at it. THAT IS COMEDY! Now, the written roast was considerably less exciting. Calling Faye “Faye Can’t-Win Roe” was cute. The pink-hair joke about Dimilux was certainly shady, but not especially inventive. And the comment about judges loving trash because Alpha placed highly in a garbage-inspired outfit was a solid competition reference. But the joke about nobody orgasming over Orgasmique’s work? Darling, that’s the first joke anybody would make after hearing her drag name! Fortunately, the runway carries most of the challenge. And tonight, that banana is carrying a LOT! ONYX’S SCORE: 9.1/10 ⸻ 🍕 5. KORTREE YORK — Kimmie Parodying Merlly Monsehá’s Pizza Box Couture KORTREE! WHAT IN THE PAPA JOHN’S NATURAL DISASTER IS GOING ON HERE?! BABY, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY DROPPED AN ENTIRE PIZZA RESTAURANT DOWN THE STAIRS! Now, y’all know I praised Merlly’s pizza-box couture last episode. The elegant architectural collar, those beautifully draped cardboard strips, and the way she transformed something so rigid into something almost fluid? THAT WAS DESIGN! Well, Kortree has taken every beautiful element of that gown and apparently dragged it through an industrial paper shredder! The headpiece is enormous. The cardboard is hanging everywhere. The shoulders look like a stack of pizza boxes that collapsed during delivery. AND THAT PIZZA-SLICE HANDBAG?! BITCH, I LOVE IT! What’s successful here is that I immediately recognize Merlly’s original design. The same pizza-box materials, red checkerboard pattern, dramatic shoulders, and cascading silhouette are still present. But Kortree has deliberately made everything more chaotic. The look isn’t simply a pizza costume. It’s a direct mockery of Merlly’s actual fashion. Now, the roast. KORTREE! BABY, THE CEO SAID FOUR TARGETS, NOT THE ENTIRE POPULATION! Your joke about Merlly’s name was clever, and that CUNT acronym for LeQunt was absolutely vicious. Cheap, ugly, narcotics, and tasteless?! YOU DID NOT COME TO MAKE FRIENDS! The joke about Jordie describing herself as sexy and fashionable while being a pathological liar was another good one. And saying you’d finally reach your own orgasm when Orgasmique leaves the competition? THAT WAS FUNNY! But you also went after Dimilux, Faye, and practically anybody else who made eye contact with you. Baby, there was a numerical requirement, and you treated it like a buffet! I appreciate the comedy, but I can’t ignore the rules. ONYX’S SCORE: 9.0/10 ⸻ 🐴 6. LEQUNT — LeQuishaQ Parodying Dimilux’s Cowboy Carter runway LEQUNT. LEQUNT! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE DONE WHAT I THINK YOU’VE DONE! OH MY GOD! YOU TURNED DIMILUX INTO HER OWN HORSE?! BITCH! I AM ON THE FLOOR! Y’all remember Dimilux’s Cowboy Carter fantasy. The gorgeous silver cowgirl ensemble, the shimmering pearl embellishments, and that fabulous horse with the enormous bright-pink mane and tail. AND Y’ALL KNOW I LOVED THAT HORSE! I praised that animal! I defended that animal! I thought that horse deserved its own modeling contract! And now LeQunt has taken my beloved pink-haired equestrian beauty and turned DIMILUX into the livestock! THE HORSE TEETH! THE GIANT EARS! THE HOOVES! THE EXAGGERATED REAR END! THE ENORMOUS PINK TAIL! AND THE LITTLE GREEK FLAG?! BABY, THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT! What makes this so clever is the reversal. Dimilux originally posed with this extravagant horse as part of her Cowboy Carter presentation. Now Dimilux IS the horse. And not a particularly attractive one! The ridiculous facial prosthetics, exaggerated animal proportions, and absurdly glamorous accessories make this deliberately unflattering. That’s exactly what the challenge calls for. Now, your roast! LeQunt, you came with poetry, international insults, and a whole lot of filth! The comments about Dimilux’s AI-modeling experience were personal, although the setup could’ve been shorter. Then you launched into Greek! BABY, YOU WERE SO DETERMINED TO READ THIS WOMAN THAT YOU WENT INTERNATIONAL! The poem about Kortree returning after failing to win the first time was a fun change in delivery. And your Alpha joke about her toothpaste runway revealing both bad breath and bad taste? VERY CLEVER! But comparing Judge June Teenth’s critiques to anal beads? GIRL! I WAS NOT PREPARED! Filthy, unexpected, and built around an actual punchline. LeQunt, you understood that the challenge wasn’t to celebrate your sister’s fashion. IT WAS TO ASSASSINATE IT! And you did so with the enthusiasm of somebody who has been waiting eight episodes for permission. ONYX’S SCORE: 9.9/10 ⸻ 🍼 7. MERLLY MONSEHÁ — Maris Parodying Alpha Killer’s Grocery Bag Couture MERLLY! OH, YOU SICK WOMAN! YOU TURNED ALPHA’S GROCERY-BAG GOWN INTO A GIANT BABY DIAPER?! I AM SCREAMING! Y’all remember Alpha’s enormous grocery-bag couture from last episode. The huge shoulders, exaggerated hips, and that dramatic skirt constructed from layer upon layer of grocery bags. I appreciated the material transformation, but I also mentioned that the volume was getting a little out of control. Well, apparently Merlly was LISTENING! Because she’s turned Alpha’s already enormous silhouette into the world’s most glamorous adult-baby costume! THE PACIFIER! THE GIANT DIAPER! THE BABY BOTTLES! THE ENORMOUS PIGTAILS! BABY, THIS IS TODDLERS & TIARAS: THE MIDLIFE CRISIS EDITION! I love how the original design is still recognizable. The bags remain layered in that exaggerated silhouette, but the entire construction has been transformed into an intentionally embarrassing costume. And the enormous black-and-white pigtails are another clever reference to Alpha’s love of dramatic hairstyles. Now, your roast. Merlly, darling, YOU UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT! Four jokes. Four targets. And actual punchlines! Calling Dimilux’s eventual win BACK PAY after spending so much time in the lower placements? EXCELLENT! Saying the only thing Alpha is killing is her own track record? VERY GOOD! Telling Kortree not to unpack after winning because she might be eliminated immediately afterward? THAT’S CLEVER! And telling LeQunt to ask for the check because the judges keep sending her plate back? A fantastic closing joke. Merlly, you didn’t need a five-minute explanation after every insult. You delivered the joke, let it land, and moved on. BABY, TAKE NOTES, EVERYBODY! ONYX’S SCORE: 9.8/10 ⸻ 🍀 8. MUMMY — TommyXx Parodying Faye Chancey Roe’s Leprechaun runway MUMMY! OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! YOU TOOK FAYE’S LEPRECHAUN AND SENT HER DOWN THE RIVER IN A CARDBOARD BOAT?! GIRL! WHAT DID FAYE EVER DO TO YOU?! Y’all remember Faye’s leprechaun fantasy. The glamorous green outfit, the feathered details, the pot of gold, and that whole magical Irish runway presentation. Well, Mummy has stripped away every ounce of glamour and turned her into what looks like a failed St. Patrick’s Day parade float! THE GIANT GREEN HAT! THE ORANGE BEARD! THE CARDBOARD BOAT! THE PADDLE! AND TWO DAMN CHICKENS?! MUMMY, WHY ARE THERE CHICKENS?! ARE WE LOOKING FOR THE POT OF GOLD OR HEADING TO THE COUNTY FAIR?! The recognizable leprechaun identity is still there, but the overall presentation is completely ridiculous. And I appreciate that this isn’t trying to be beautiful. The boat looks intentionally homemade. The beard is absurd. And the entire look feels like a magical creature who lost all her money at the casino! However, I would’ve loved a few more direct references to the original garment’s specific construction. The costume is funny, but some of the props feel random. Now, your roast! Your opening about Faye having so many bad looks that choosing one was easy was a strong start. The joke about her spending time on her knees for Lewis was certainly filthy. The Kortree toothpick joke worked because we’ve all been discussing those exaggerated legs for weeks. And your Greece/grease wordplay about Dimilux was actually pretty clever. But you couldn’t resist throwing additional people into the mix! Alpha, the judges, LeQunt—everybody got dragged into the conversation. Mummy, the assignment was four different people. NOT FOUR PEOPLE AND EVERYBODY STANDING NEAR THEM! Still, the look was entertaining, and the roast had some genuinely funny moments. ONYX’S SCORE: 8.7/10 ⸻ 💙 9. ORGASMIQUE — Torree Parodying Mummy’s Doll Collection runway ORGASMIQUE! YOU HATEFUL WOMAN! YOU HAVE TURNED MUMMY’S BEAUTIFUL DOLL COLLECTION INTO AN ENTIRE DAYCARE CENTER! BABY, THIS IS WRONG! Y’all remember Mummy’s gorgeous pink doll fantasy. The enormous blonde braids, matching doll figures, extravagant bows, and beautiful pink couture construction. It was glamorous, playful, and incredibly polished. Well, Orgasmique apparently decided that Mummy wasn’t the glamorous doll anymore. SHE WAS THE EXHAUSTED MOTHER OF ALL THE DAMN DOLLS! THE GIANT BLONDE BRAID! THE MATCHING LITTLE CHILDREN! THE BLUE OUTFIT! THE PILATES QUEEN SHORTS! AND THAT RIDICULOUS PHONE?! BABY, THIS LOOKS LIKE A PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE THAT ENDED IN A POLICE REPORT! What I appreciate is the recognizable connection to the original runway. The gigantic braided hair, the matching doll figures, and the exaggerated proportions are all direct references to Mummy’s previous presentation. But you’ve taken the elegant doll fantasy and turned it into a chaotic childcare situation. And that is very funny. My only critique is that the concept becomes slightly overcrowded. The dolls, the phone, the cigarette, the outfit, and all the accessories are competing for attention. But the central joke is strong enough to carry it. Now, your roast. Orgasmique, your runway was considerably stronger than your written comedy. The joke about Mummy looking pregnant was predictable. Your comment about Dimilux’s name supposedly meaning cheap in Greek and her repeated wigs was more specific. The Faye height joke was fairly ordinary. And comparing Merlly’s complexion to Lewis’s hemorrhoids was certainly unexpected, but it relied more on shock than clever wordplay. Four targets, yes. Four particularly original jokes? Not quite. Fortunately, your runway did most of the work. ONYX’S SCORE: 9.0/10 ⸻ 👁️ ONYX’S FINAL THOUGHTS WHEWWWWWW! SOMEBODY GET ME A DRINK! Actually, somebody get me a SEWING KIT! Because I’ve been sitting here for an entire episode with stuffing falling out of my dress, buttons hanging off my wig, and a giant needle threatening to puncture my left tit! And somehow, I’M STILL NOT THE BIGGEST FASHION DISASTER WE’VE SEEN TONIGHT! That is an accomplishment, ladies! But in all seriousness, this was one of the most entertaining challenges of the season. We’ve spent eight episodes getting to know these queens, their fashion identities, their signature aesthetics, and their questionable creative decisions. And this week, they finally got to use all of that history against one another. Jordie’s cigarette became a giant marijuana fantasy. Kortree’s emerald elegance became takeout noodles. LeQunt’s magnificent golden wings became buffalo wings. Orgasmique’s gorgeous safe-sex couture became a giant condom-covered banana. Merlly’s pizza-box masterpiece became a delivery disaster. Dimilux’s beloved pink-haired horse became DIMILUX HERSELF! Alpha’s grocery-bag couture became a giant baby diaper. Faye’s leprechaun glamour became a cardboard boat trip. And Mummy’s beautiful doll collection became a daycare center from HELL! THAT’S WHAT MAKES PARODY WORK! You have to know the original. You have to understand what made it memorable. And then you have to exaggerate it until the poor queen wishes she’d never worn it in the first place! But the written comedy taught us another lesson. BEING SHADY IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING FUNNY! Some queens delivered clever, specific punchlines. Others just insulted everybody within microphone range and hoped for the best. And some of you apparently cannot count to four! The CEO gave you a number, ladies! FOUR TARGETS! NOT FOUR HUNDRED! But overall, I was thoroughly entertained. And I have to give these queens credit for being willing to make complete fools of themselves. Hell, look at ME! I took one of my most glamorous looks from my own Drag Haus history and turned myself into a broken pincushion with a mortgage! And you know what? I STILL LOOK BETTER THAN HALF OF YOU! Now, remember, The CEO handles the official Drag Haus judging. Me? I’m simply the glamorous bitch with the purple couch, the cocktail, the cue cards, and a season’s worth of receipts! And if anybody has a problem with my critiques? BABY, TAKE A NUMBER! Because unlike some of these queens, I KNOW HOW TO COUNT! Until next time, my beautiful sinners: THE QUEENS MAY READ. THE SISTERS MAY BLEED. BUT THE HAUS HAS EYES! 👁️💋 — ONYX ROYALE