Thinking About Nepal

This is a generally pointless blog but I am seeing all the news from the flash flooding around and in Nepal. Specifically that horrifying video along the Nepal-Tibet border. Im not yet sure if im gonna click send on this blog but i wanna write about something that i was thinking about because of this; I dont think i quite know how to live with the randomness and chaos of life. Today i had a very nice day. As i think about it in the context of what i see on the news now as im typing it, it was the true pinnacle of privilege. I wanted to go out swimming and quite spontaneously set up a day out in the harbor with my family on the boat. It was really lovely, the water was about 75-77 and we had a great time. Upon coming home, i looked at my phone to see people running away, screaming in terror from water. It was like a slap to the face. This wasnt a little bit of flooding or a harsh wave. I opened Twitter to a 4k video of about 20-35 people being killed by a massive wave of water and mud and debris. I went down the rabbit hole a little bit, looking at different photos and videos. Everything just as terrible as the last. And i thought to myself "If there is a God, im so grateful" and i literally stopped in my tracks and for the first time in my life really felt strongly that; there is no God controlling this. Because what could i possibly be grateful for? That he chose for me to have a great day and for others to suffer and die all at the same time? It feels selfish to even think about gratitude as if im more deserving of good than others in the world. So back to randomness and chaos. Ive spent a lot of my life flitting from one belief to another on higher powers and religion. Ive never really felt i had a strong answer but today i really feel that... if there is a God, he is either not powerful like we think of him being or hes not a kind one. And that thought fills me with dread. Any one of us could just as easily be suffering from something like this. And it could happen to one of us, myself, you, someone we know, at any point. Tomorrow, next year, 3 years from now. I feel like im having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of chaos. That we have no control. I dont really know how to cope with it. And i dont think i can just tell myself "He has a plan. Its all part of a plan. Its all for a good cause" because i just think its a lie. This blog is not solving anything or helping anyone but idk its just how im feeling and i wanted to type it out. I feel unequipped to cope with the realities of our world and i dont know where to go from here.