I'm Not Meant To Be Here

Not just this site, but in the world in general. Like...I don't fit in. Not only do I not matter (I haven't for 35 years and counting), but I just don't fit. The way I think...the things I feel...the things I say, the way I act, the ideals and morals that I hold deal...nobody else cares or is the same. And I'm always left feeling like the odd man out...of everything. No matter how much loyalty, honesty, integrity, kindness, understanding, joy, laughter, and intelligence I share with others...it all just gets thrown back in my face. Time and time and time and time again. If it's not my evil family and what abusive, evil, money-hungry, horrible monsters they are...if it wasn't the 12 years of hell that people call 'school'...if it wasn't day after day of online assholes...it's just everything. Like...I'm clearly only here to just be a stepping stone for others to use and abuse. A pawn. A tool. If God was playing The Sims when he made me, he made me leave the house as a toddler and left me to die on my own because he made a mistake and didn't just kill me immediately to atone for that mistake. When you're used and bullied and mocked and belittled and treated like shit as much as I am...no matter how hard I try to open up to people, to be nice to them, to give them my full heart...it really shouldn't be surprise by how much I don't trust people. Just WHY I have such an ever-growing list of 'enemies' on this site...and in the world in general. It shouldn't be a surprise. Oh, and spare me your "You need to get help" or "Speak to a counselor" or "You shouldn't be on this site because it's just fun and games and you take this shit too seriously" and "You're messed up" and all your other bullshit. Save it...and promptly shove it up your arrogant asses. Spew your bullshit rhetoric and obnoxious garbage I've had to hear my whole life to a brick wall. The point of me making this blog is to make people understand that I'm not like all of you. You can't just be nice to me one day...or one game...and then turn right around and stab me in the back the very next day/game and expect me to just be 'cool' with it. I won't be...and I will never be. I'm NOT you goddamn fucking toy to use as you see fit. Yeah, these 'games' are meant for fun? Then don't fucking treat those you're playing them with as NOTHING MORE THAN TOOLS OR PAWNS FOR YOU TO WIN WITH AND THEN DISCARD! I don't even know what true kindness, love, loyalty, honesty, and integrity even are. Because anyone who has claimed to offer me some or all of those things...just lied later on and stabbed me in the back, or proved to be two-faced, hypocritical liars who are only out for themselves. Even though I suppose that's just human nature: we're all fucked-up, flawed, selfish pieces of garbage who only care about ourselves and looking out for number one. Well, I'm not that...but since everyone else IS...again, I'm not meant to be here. I wonder how many more days, weeks, months, and even years I'm gonna be stuck on this planet...only God knows how long I must suffer.