Just wanted to give another update. Sorry for all the heavy posts lately, typing this out is kind of how I’m getting through it right now. Right now we’re basically just waiting. My mom had a heart attack and multiple strokes, and neuro and the other teams just want to see how she is if she wakes up. They’re giving her blood thinners, so we’ll know more day by day, which honestly feels like the worst kind of news. I hate just sitting in anticipation. They put a feeding tube in today, and had to get an IV specialist because her IVs keep blowing. It’s just… not looking great, but I’m trying to stay positive. It’s just really hard. I keep replaying everything in my head too. My mom has always been kind of dramatic, and it’s not out of character for her to not answer or do things that end up needing someone, usually my dad, to step in and “save” the situation. So when she didn’t answer, it didn’t immediately feel like an emergency. I stayed and finished a race before going to check on her. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. Like what if I had gone 20 minutes sooner. I know I can’t change it, but it’s going to haunt me for a long time.

Just wanted to give an update because a lot has happened. Typing this out honestly helps me process, and these blogs kind of feel like a live journal for me. My mom is in the ICU right now with a breathing tube because she can’t breathe on her own. They’re running tests to see what kind of damage there might be. She’s had to be sedated multiple times because she’s fighting the oxygen. I guess that could be a good sign, but I honestly don’t know. It’s all still really scary, especially after finding her face down on the floor this morning thinking she was dead. The plan is to get her a psych eval if she wakes up and is responsive. I’ve slept maybe 2 hours in the past 48 and I’m honestly at my breaking point.

I literally just made a blog last night about how I’m scared my mom is going to die from drugs or her mental health. This morning I found her after she overdosed. I had to call 911. I had to watch them Narcan her. And now I’m just sitting here waiting to see what happens. It doesn’t even feel real. Like how do you go from saying your biggest fear out loud to living it the next morning?

My mom has needed psychiatric help for years and still refuses to acknowledge how serious things are. Tonight she got physical with my dad and tried to leave the house naked during an episode, and it was just… a lot. Moments like that don’t really leave you. I feel like I’ve already accepted that I might lose her one way or another, whether that’s to drugs or her mental health. And somehow, it’s not getting easier to deal with. If anything, it’s getting harder as time goes on. There are times I want to just cut her off until she gets the help she needs, because it’s exhausting and honestly overwhelming. But she doesn’t really have anyone else, and I have this constant fear that if I step away, she’ll end up dead. My sister already made that choice, and I get why she did, but I don’t know if I can. It’s just a really shitty place to be in. Caring about someone who won’t help themselves, while also trying to not let it destroy you.

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