mental health: some transparency

okay so i don’t rlly want to go into toooo much detail, but i did want to give some transparency here:) as some of you have noticed and reached out to me about, lately i’ve been getting way meaner and explosive than you’re used to seeing from me. i’m usually very kind, understanding and want to spread kindness where ever i go, but the truth is i’ve really been struggling. it’s not an excuse, but hopefully an explenation in a way? i’m not writing this for forgiveness or pity, just to hopefully create an understanding. the past weeks i’ve been super overwhelmed. school has been a lot as well as work, but besides that i’ve had a lot of private things to deal with too. there have been a lot of situations recently that triggered me. they triggered my biggest fear: not being enough. i’ve been struggling with feeling like i’m not good enough all my life, but the past weeks it’s been worse and worse cause situations occured where it was proven i wasn’t enough for people that meant the world to me. so even the tiniest little thing triggers that insecurity and the emotion that comes with it. a lot of times in my life i’ve given my all and then on a random tuesday those people decided to drop me. it’s a fear that’s been taken out of proportion and made to be way bigger than it is in my head. i’m aware of this, but it takes a lot of time to work on. i just want to be enough man, but as if right now my mind keeps telling me that i’m not and that everyone would be perfectly fine going on with their lives and wouldn’t even notice if i disappeared right now. on top of that my anxiety has been taking a toll on me. i posted about it previously, but i have panic attacks at least twice a day now and it’s just exhausting. i try to keep up a happy face as much as i can, i don’t really like to talk about it honestly, but i feel like i have to in order for people to have somewhat of an understanding of the change in my behaviour. i don’t mean to hurt anyone, but my fears have been taking control so at any given opportunity i feel like it’s easier to be a bitch and push people away. because at least in that way i’m the one to blame and it doesn’t happen randomly. i know that sometime soon i’ll be okay again, but as if right now i’m not and that’s okay too. i’m trying my best to stay the kind person i am, but within all of this happening i just lost myself and am trying to find back who i am. right now, i feel like that little 6 year old mel again. begging to be loved by the ones around her and wondering why she couldn’t be enough to receive that. it’s all in my head, i know there’s people that love me, but as i stated before the negative thoughts and insecurities are beating out the logic sense in my head and taking control. i’m sorry if i lashed out to you or hurt you in any way, i’m trying my best to not let in influence things too much but girl i’m just tired. exhausted. things will get better though, i know they will.. it’s just a matter of when. lots of love, mel <3