My relationship with Sex.

This is going to be a serious blog so bear with me. When I was 18 years old Sex was something really magical to me, I loved a mans body and the taste of his nut lol maybe tmi but it was really magical. The whole act of sex was really blissful and intimate. Then somewhere along the line it lost its magic and it became dirty, numb, and hateful. Maybe it was when I started SSRIs, but everything went stale. I didn't have sex because I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to have sex because I wanted to be used. I wanted to be treated like how I viewed myself. I started sleeping with people I don't find remotely attractive. After being passed around I began to value myself less. But above all, in those moments of sex I FELT something. Not pleasure or euphoria, not neccessarily a positive feeling at all, just A feeling. A vague one that I can't put a name on, but in those moments I actually feel something other than numbness. I'm not sure why I made this post but maybe someone can relate. I don't want this life for myself but I also feel like damaged goods and I can't be unbroken anymore.