Halloween is the most important day of the year.

It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath. I am a future network news anchor who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body. But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits. And Cray-o-ween is the one time of year where I can give these precious donkeys something to look forward to. They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like... to love ME!